Showing posts with label twat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twat. Show all posts

Saturday 11 June 2016

Transformer Monkey: Wash this: What a Wanker and Free the Nipple.


Not a glimpse of Dawn’s crack, nary a whimsy of atmospheric movement, even less lack of warm and a promise of skywater at the castle this morn.

 


Poor old Angus is doing OK, the garden is up to scratch the French racing green motor passed the mot after having a new cat fitted (I did offer his Maj as a replacement but they declined), the cat cost £46 and they charged me £100 to fit it, and then £46 for the mot, and then £40 VAT for the privilege-life in Blighty....

Tomorrow is the annual old farts Canadian Grand Prix gathering at my rich git of a mate's place up in Chobham, where we will do the usual, a trip to the Thames, up and dahn a bit, lunch at the pub then back to his house to watch said race on his 60 inch 4k TV.

When we started this there were five or sometimes six of us, this year we are dahn to three-the others having popped orf this mortal coil will not be attending (maybe in spirit) so we are going to have a sweepstake to see who is left for next year.

 

 

Apparently a monkey caused a three-hour nationwide blackout, according to Kenyan officials.

The Kenya Electricity Generation Company said in a statement late Tuesday that a monkey climbed onto the roof of the Gitaru Power Station and fell onto a transformer, tripping it.

The company said this resulted in the loss of 180MW from the plant, triggering a national blackout. The statement did not say whether the monkey survived.

The blackout lasted more than three hours Tuesday before power was restored.

The company said that its facility is secured with an electric fence.

"We regret this isolated incident and the company is looking at ways of further enhancing security at all our power plants," the firm added.

Kenyan businesses regularly complain that power cuts — due to its aging grid — and unreliable supplies make them uncompetitive and hurt growth.

 

Shocking....... (What?)

 

 

Fire-fighters in southeast China's Fujian province responded to an unusual kind of emergency Sunday -- a man had gotten his head stuck inside a washing machine.

Luckily, he was pulled out by a team of fire-fighters after less than an hour, according to the official Weibo social media account of Fuzhou City's Fire Department.

 

The fire-fighters separated the drum from the washing machine to free the man.

 

This unidentified man accidentally got his head stuck inside the machine while trying to fix the drum, the Fire Department's statement said.

 

Twat.....

 

 

A Bronx hospital worker found dead by a colleague may have died of a heart attack while masturbating, police sources said Wednesday.

The 48-year-old man was found about 10 a.m. Tuesday in a remote area of North Central Bronx Hospital.

A source said no foul play was suspected and that it appeared the man had partly disrobed and was watching pornography on a computer when he died.

 

And I thought it made you blind.....

 

And finally:

 

 



Two hundred women and men gathered around Brighton Beach to highlight controversial social media policies about banning female nipples.

The afternoon march started from Brighton Pier, and then headed along the East Sussex city seafront before stopping on the beach – where everybody sunbathed topless.

One member who attended the event said: ‘It was lovely, I felt proud and fantastic.


The event was organized by comedian Samantha Pressdee, who came to Brighton with her one-woman comedy show about nudity and sexuality.


Samantha said: ‘I’ve been a member of the Free The Nipple campaign over the past year.


‘I joined the campaign to challenge the way women’s breasts were perceived.

‘Breasts have been sexualized and the point of this campaign is that they don’t have to sexual.’


Whatever; does anyone care apart from the campaigners?

 


 

And today’s thought: "Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"
~ Lily Tomlin ~

 

Angus

Thursday 10 May 2012

Who gives Le Bollocks: Nickelarse in the poo: Panic at Gothenburg: Cardboard man: Cool headlights: and the Sweep festival.


One guess as to the meteorological conditions at the Castle this morn-yes, it pissed dahn all night and it is still urinating from the sky as I write.

The saddest picture of the year so far-my sundial which is turning rusty.


And a happy picture of his Maj hunting for worms.




And here’s one he managed to bag.




Just returned from my favourite retailer on the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run, I arrived at 8 of the am, it is now 8.55 of the am, I finished my meagre purchases at ten past 8 of the am and then spent 40 minutes waiting at the pharmacy for the computer (who definitely said no) to update itself, whist leaning on the counter waiting I noticed that the biggest (and richest) every little helps provider is still running Windows XP (which came out in 2001) no bleedin wonder they cock up so many prices.

And not only have they managed to move everything about again but have changed the packaging on all their own brand stuff so that this daft old fart is even more confused than ever.




Apparently the new “Socialist” Pres Francois Hollande is not happy with us in Blighty, it seems that “Britain is "indifferent to the fate of the euro area" and "In addition to relative indifference to the fate of the euro area, Britain is more protected because of speculation the central bank may intervene directly to finance the debt,"
According to what’s his name Nick Clegg "France is one of our oldest, strongest and most important allies".
"Hollande wants to put emphasis on growth. Who's going to disagree with that? But he knows you can't create growth on the shifting sands of debt."
He added: "Any emphasis on growth from whatever direction on the political spectrum has got to be good."
 

Blightyites "indifferent to the fate of the euro area"? Too bloody right...




Nickelarse Sarcozy could soon be called for questioning – either as a witness or potentially as a suspect – in several corruption cases when he loses presidential immunity a month after leaving office on May 15.
Judges are likely to want to summon him over an investigation into who ordered French intelligence to unlawfully seek to uncover the source of journalists working for Le Monde. France's intelligence chief is currently under investigation over the affair in which Le Monde exposed embarrassing links between Mr Sarkozy's government and Liliane Bettencourt, the l'Oréal billionaire caught up in a tax evasion and illegal party financing inquiry.
Allegedly Nickelarse is suspected of benefiting from brown envelopes of cash to help fund his 2007 campaign from Mrs Bettencourt and her late husband, André, whose former bookkeeper has told judges she withdrew 150,000 euros earmarked for Mr Sarkozy's then campaign treasurer. He also faces questioning over allegations he personally accepted cash from the Bettencourts during a visit shortly before his 2007 election. Mr Sarkozy denies wrongdoing on all accounts.


Do they still have the Guillotine in France?



A Ryanair flight attendant was hospitalised with head injuries this week after falling from an aircraft in Sweden.
The cabin crew employee from the Irish carrier was left bleeding from the head after falling to the tarmac during a panicked late departure from Gothenburg City Airport, The Local reported.

She was finalising the process of securing the plane for take-off when a rear door was pulled open and she fell about 10 feet (three meters).

A passenger told the Expressen newspaper of the rushed loading of passengers for the flight, which was almost an hour late, "It was very confusing and unprofessional. It was almost like a state of panic when everything had to be done really quickly."

"The stairs had been removed and the door to the plane was closed. What made her open the door we don't know. I find it hard to believe that she took a step out, it is more likely that the door flew open while she was holding the handle. It is rather windy today," airport boss Annika Nyberg told news agency TT.


You pays peanuts.......



Mark Pearson, a 44-year-old repairman who loves comic books, has spent 14 months of his life creating an almost perfect replica of Tony Stark’s Iron Man suit, from sheets of cardboard covered in fibreglass.
”I don’t know why I did it”, the repairman from Bradford, West Yorkshire, says, “I guess it was just a moment of madness. I decided on making the helmet then I said to my partner – I’m going to make the full suit.” The comics fan bought himself a 12ft cardboard model of Robert Downey Jr. in his iconic superhero suit, started work on the helmet, but simply couldn’t stop. He downloaded the templates from the Internet, and made them into cardboard moulds. Once those were all created, he was able to create the fibreglass parts of his Iron Man suit.


Twat.......




Has come up with a spiffing invention to help the ladies through our hot summer- a new bra which comes equipped with refrigerated cooling gel pads.
The brassiere can also be worn with a skirt made of a mosquito net or bamboo shades, adding to its ability to offer relief in hot weather.
Both versions come with a small hanging wind chime that in Japan is believed to sound refreshing. There is even a little bamboo ladle added for good measure, in case the wearer wants a splash of water.
 

Shan’t be needing that then....
 

And finally:



The three day annual Sweeps Festival in Rochester, England dates back 400 years and was originally the one day in the year that the chimney sweeps could afford time off to celebrate the coming of spring. This year marks the festival's 32nd year since its reintroduction in 1980, with traditional activities including Morris dancers, who parade to Rochester Castle, and a Jack-in-the-Green ceremony. 

That should cut dahn on yoof unemployment...



And today’s thought:

Indifference.





Angus

           

Thursday 10 March 2011

Faggin hell: Carbon hatchback: Harmony of intent: Banking on a train: Up your Trossachs: Sole of a car: Neodymium attraction: Lasagne loser: and ladies sauntering.

A tad on the cool side at the Castle this morn, the butler has collected a new batch of fat teenagers for the furnace; the kitchen is empty of computers and I am still waking up at four of the am.
At about 9.30 last eve the phone rang, as I was doing my biz in the bathroom I didn’t get to it before the answer phone cut in and I heard “Deirdre, are you there?”, “Deirdre, Deirdre”, I picked the handset up and said “hello” to be greeted with “Deirdre?”
“Err, no, no Deirdre here, you must have a wrong number”
I want to speak to Deirdre, where is she?
“I don’t know, you have a wrong number”
I must speak to Deirdre, can you get her?”
“No Deirdre here-wrong number”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes”
Will you get Deirdre for me? I really need to speak to her

By now I was getting quite miffed, and said to the elderly lady.
“Sorry but Deirdre has run off with a Muslim Imam, and they have gone to live in Afghanistan”
Oh dear, and I really wanted to speak to her, do you have her phone number?”

Click.
You couldn’t make it up.




I see that smoker bashing has become the national sport of the Piss Poor Policies Coalition-again.
They have come up with the idea that if they hide all the fags and baccy under the counter no one will smoke.
And coming up is the cunning plan to only have white packaging on said consumables, which prompted “Paxo” Paxman to utter the daftest thing I have heard on the BBC-“so how will they know what they are buying?”
Because they will have the name on them you overpaid, arrogant twat.
I won’t go into the facts that smokers contribute billions to the purse in taxes, and that our contribution more than pays for any treatment we may need because of the filthy habit-unlike booze, no, I won’t go into that.
According to the PPP Coalition.
Or maybe…….




One of the first major manufacturers looking to take the plunge is BMW.
The luxury automobile maker has announced plans to build a range of electric city cars, under the sub-brand BMW-i, using lightweight carbon fibre passenger cabins.
The company has entered a partnership with German-based SGL Carbon, and together the firms plan to build a $100m (£62m) carbon fibre manufacturing plant in Washington State, USA.
VW has unveiled its own prototype carbon fibre car, the L1, suggesting that the company also sees a viable future for composite materials.
Not to be left behind, Audi and Mercedes-Benz have formed alliances with another German carbon fibre composite manufacturer, Voith.

The new cars will be so light that they will come with an anchor to stop them blowing away.




Apparently yesterday’s announcement by the Irritable Bowel Twins  (and Tommy Cooper impressionist) may not happen for a while-if at all.
All that happened on Tuesday is that Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith gave a speech making the case for reform.
He believes the current system is too complex and removes any incentive for people to save for their retirement. So he called for a "debate" to look at "options for simplifying the pensions system".
He said he was "working closely" with the Treasury on a new structure that would reward those who save. Chancellor George Osborne, he made clear, had been "seized of the importance of this project".
But Mr Duncan Smith did not say the new flat rate state pension will be £140 a week. He did not say how it would be paid for. He did not say when this policy may come into force.
He did not say when a much delayed green paper may be published - a document that in itself will be only a series of options to be considered. He did not say why people who have contributed national insurance all their lives should get the same pension as those who have not.
He did not say why rich pensioners should get a bigger state pension when richer parents are losing their child benefit.

He didn’t say much really did he? Thought it was a bit too good to be true.




A train has smashed into a bank in Melbourne's south.
The train overran a track at Sandringham station and crashed through a wall of the Bendigo Bank about 8.10pm (AEDT) on Wednesday.
Metro spokesman Chris Whitefield said no passengers were on the train and there was no disruption to services on the line this morning.
He said the train driver was performing a manoeuvre to turn the train around when the crash occurred and the incident would be investigated.
"We'll be doing what we do from a safety perspective in terms of our investigation, that will determine what happened, why it happened and recommendations and actions to make sure it doesn't happen again," Mr Whitefield said.

That’ll be a big withdrawal.




Thousands of copies of a new map of Loch Lomond have been withdrawn after complaints that an area was dubbed "giro bay".
Bosses at the Loch's authority announced the move today, saying the use of a "colloquialism" was an "error or judgement".

Previously unnamed areas in the park were also named after map makers and water rangers.

Fiona Logan, CEO of the Loch Lomond & The Trossachs National Park Authority said: "The National Park regret that we made an error in judgment in the initial print run of the new navigational chart for Loch Lomond.

"A colloquialism was included in the chart as were some previously un-named parts of the loch being named after the British Geological Society cartographers (map makers) and our most dedicated water rangers, who worked together on this mapping project over the last four years. This is a common cartographer tradition, we appreciate it is felt to be inappropriate in this instance.

"We are grateful to local people for drawing this to our attention. As soon as we realised our mistake, immediate action was taken and we withdrew the chart."

The map had been produced to update an 1861 copy.

A new chart, minus the controversial names, should be available within weeks park bosses said.
Harp of the North! that mouldering long hast hung
   On the witch-elm that shades Saint Fillan's spring
And down the fitful breeze thy numbers flung,
   Till envious ivy did around thee cling,
Muffling with verdant ringlet every string,--
   O Minstrel Harp, still must thine accents sleep?
Mid rustling leaves and fountains murmuring,
   Still must thy sweeter sounds their silence keep,
Nor bid a warrior smile, nor teach a maid to weep?
Walter Scott-the lady of the lake, no mention of Giros though.




A footwear manufacturer in China has made an electric car out of a giant shoe.
It can carry two people up to 250 miles at speeds of up to 20mph on a single charge of the battery underneath the driver's seat.
The leather 'bodywork' is made in the same way as a normal shoe but on a bigger scale, using the hide of five bulls.
A Kang Shoe company spokesman said it took six months to design and build the car at a cost of around £4,000.
The company demonstrated its bizarre vehicle outside its headquarters in Wenzhou in eastern China's Zhejiang Province.
Workers queued up for the chance to drive the shoe car which is 10ft long and more than three feet high.
Company president Wang Zhengtao says it is designed as a promotional tool and he plans to make 40 for stores around the country.

Bet the Bulls aren’t too chuffed about that.




The race to produce the earth’s strongest magnet containing neodymium and 16 other rare earth elements continues.

 I find that rather attractive.




Giancarlo Sabatini avoided Italian police for a decade on the run, but couldn't resist his wife's lasagne.
 Police say went into hiding in 2000, shortly after being given a 3-year, 8-month prison sentence in a cocaine trafficking case.
Acting on a tip, police staked out the homes of Sabatini's wife and daughter Tuesday in Rocca Priora, a town near Rome. When they spied the daughter leaving her mother's house and furtively dashing toward her home bearing a tray of lasagne, police, suspecting a secret guest, burst in and arrested Sabatini.
Many Italians prepare lasagne with meat sauce for lunch on the last Tuesday of Carnival. Police say Sabatini came from his hideout in Belgium to celebrate the last day before Lent with his family.

The way to getting nicked is though a man’s stomach.

And finally:

Ladies sauntering: (last one).







And today’s thought: Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Angus